Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Zombies, Stanley Knives and the Tabloid Press

As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm a mild-mannered, easy going, okay, I'm lying - I'm a cantankerous bastard and it's just as well I have low blood pressure or I'd have keeled over long ago.

 So, that said - I COULDN'T GIVE A TOSS WHAT KATE WHATSHERNAME ROYAL PERSON IS GOING TO PRODUCE, BOY GIRL OR FLAMING BANJO - I couldn't care less if in, however many months, she should bend over and pull a bunch of flowers from under her tailored-to-look-homely-and-approachable skirt, going "TA DA SUCKERS" - well, actually, that might be mildly diverting. The point is, I don't want to know and this isn't because I am particularly anti-royalist - (I am but not particularly, their not that far up my Things-that-annoy-me list)  but I can certainly not generate a moments delight in the immanent sprog-dropping that is supposed to be warming our recession hit arses as we huddle around the single piece of coal we have to warm ourselves for the week, trying to make the rat stew last (okay, have lapsed into major exaggeration - it doesn't have to last, I've a fresh shrew the cats brought home boiling away as we "chat") - where was I - oh aye, the point - the point is the tabloid newspaper coverage and the TV news probably, too - if I watched it, which I don't is utterly utterly infuriating.  How can people bare this inane drivel?

   "So, oh mild mannered one," - you might say -" If it do makest thou so wild, why dost thou buy them?" Good question, thanks for asking - that's it though - I DON'T! I wouldn't buy one supposing there was a zombie plague and I got bitten and became a zombie and the Zombie Daily Express had a full size, full colour picture of Princess Di's brain on the front, but I run our local Community Shop and we sell tabloid newspapers! If it was my shop we wouldn't - so it would have closed a long time ago as people are fixated by this drool.
   Every morning I have to carry mountains of the things in and lay them out. I tried doing it with my eyes shut in order not to start the day by getting irate but they ended up in the vegetable rack (kind of appropriate really - shame it's not exactly true) and then there's the end of the day when I have to cut the tops off to send back to the newsagent so we get a refund for the ones not sold - again, tried doing it with my eyes shut, trouble there is I use a Stanley knife and it turns out I'm allergic to using Stanley knives with my eyes shut - I spontaneously loose blood and digits - the doctor said it's not that uncommon.  So - sort of like bar staff and passive smoking - my brain is infected (back to zombies) whether I like it or not with whatever fatuous trivia the newspaper boss has decided they should vomit on to their front page and Her Royal Simperingness seems to be, it a lot of the time, her and that annoying wee wank Justin Beiber.

OH, AND ANOTHER THING - our newspapers are flown over on a special plane (think I might be right in saying, two on a Saturday) - so not only do I hate them for the above stated reasons and others but people's need to buy and consume them is environmentally fucked up.

Just to link in to my book by the way - my unspeakable dislike of the TNs and everything they represent gets a verbal mugging in it as well because, although it is technically a fantasy, I think, going by all the fixed ideas of what book genres are, it's current-ish too because it's set in a parallel Scotland that could be now.  It's also romantic, supposed to be funny and hopefully quite exciting - my readers so far seem to concur and I didn't have to threaten them too much.  I'm just tidying up the end - then it's time to get it adjusted to publish on kindle - oh, and get a cover done - eek! And by the way, I have had it professionally proofread. I became aware I couldn't punctuate or spell when my dear friend Joan, without whom I'd have given up long ago, pointed it out, diplomatically, and I had to start learning how - believe me I'm a lot better at it than it was!

Today I am recommending 2 tunes as they both very much sum up the "little bit of politics" in my story : they are both by Rise Against - both on the CD End Game. The first is "Architects" ("..who the fuck's going to take their place,Will it be the cynic, the critics galour, Cliche apathetic crashed out on the floor, The trusting complicit who collectively ignore.") and "Disparity By Design." - ("If there's a God you better pray this sleeping giant never wakes!"). Night.


  1. I am NOT listening to 'rise against', Not even if you link to them either - as you might do!

    1. Couldn't give a monkey's if you do or don't, it's up to you my dearest dear. I LOVE Rise Against - I stood there in the pouring rain at Leeds two years ago belting out every song,fist in the air, hoarse as singing sandpaper by the end but boy - was it good!