Tuesday, 30 April 2013

More Creepy Gruesome Rhymes

This has grown legs!!! Mentioned my previous two rhymes on facebook to see if anyone recognised them - so far not - but a dear friend, Evelyn (long suffering partner of Mrs Boxesbellows.blogspot.com - aka the Happy Snapper) just sent me this one -IT IS SO GOOD - PIN BACK YOUR LUG HOLES (well, eye lids really, I suppose):

Little Willie was a chemist,
Little Willie is no more,
'Cause what he thought was H20
Was H2S04!!!

(NB. Had to ask my son, Angus what H2S04 was - he says it's sulphuric Acid - urggg!!!)

Here's another couple of creepy/odd ones that came back to me:

I do not like thee Doctor Fell,
The reason why I cannot tell,
But this I know and know full well,
I do not like thee Doctor Fell!

(Why? What the hell did he do?  Or did he just give off a creepy vibe?)

Lastly (for now anyway - I'm enjoying this)

Yesterday, upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today.
I wish that man would go away.

(googled that one - the wording isn't exacty right but darn close - and was written in1899 about a ghost).

Just a Couple of Fairly Gruesome Nursery Rhymes.

For some reason this nursery rhyme popped into my head this evening, and it occurred to me that I had never heard anyone outside of my family saying it, I don't think.  Its gruesome heartlessness is brilliant:

Willie in his nice new sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes,
Though the room grew dark and chilly,
Nobody cared to poke poor Willie.

Here's another:

"What is that mess upon the street that looks like strawberry jam?"
"Hush hush, Mama, it is Papa run over by a tram."


Hope you enjoyed :)

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Ah!! FFS!!!!! from a Sweaty, Angry Tomato.

So there I was, yet again, minding my own business - this time running down the road, whilst wearing my sports bra in a more conventional manner than yesterday. I was about a third through a 10k to Gress cattle grid and back, when a car passed me and stopped just a bit up the road.

I had recognised the vehicle as belonging to my (erst while) friend Andrea (boxesbellows.blogspot.com) and her partner Evelyn and had even given her a jaunty wave. Why's she stopped, I innocently wondered?  And then it all became horribly clear as I saw her producing cameras from the passenger seat (she's a photographer). 

Some people look good running - like the women always featured on the front of Runner's World etc, for example. I don't - after about 1k I start to resemble a tomato, 3k - a very angry tomato, 6k - a sweaty, very angry tomato.  So, I did the mature thing and flicked her the "V"s, shook my fists and cast doubt on her parentage.

Could have been worse, could have been when I was slogging my way back up the hill from the Glen - then I just look like someone who requires medical attention - STAT!!

TUNE:  My Chemical Romance -  "Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us".xxx 
 

Friday, 26 April 2013

Wardrobe Malfunction or The Thing That Dangled.


So there I was, minding my own business, going out to the shop to get stuff (day off), when the Gods decided to play a wee prank on me (bunch of Celestial funny men/women/things). 

I'd been trying to work on a scary short story, but I wasn't in a creepy enough mood. I kept putting inane jokes in, and was really beginning to annoy myself. So it seemed like a excellent time for a breather, and the purchasing of the afore mentioned "stuff".

It's wild, wet and a bit cold here today - between the sunshine and rainbows - so I left my long, swishy cardigan on under my coat, just as an extra layer, even although it dangles down a bit here and there. I  have also recently acquired some rather nice boots that needed road testing.  So, looking cool as mince, as per (NB: if you're reading this and you know me, just - you know - shhhh! - I'm pretty sure I have everyone else thinking I'm more Legolus than Gimli son of Gloin, so, let's just keep it that way), slapped my headphones on my bonce, and was about to leave the house to walk the half mile along the main road through the village to the shop, when I remembered I needed money. I flounced back into the bedroom to get some, and that's when something caught my eye in the mirror.... something dangling from underneath my coat. Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No - but almost as big and  a hell of a lot more embarrassing: my sports bra! My gigantic, black sports bra had attached itself to my cardigan and was proudly hanging down behind me.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HADN'T NOTICED! If I had, in fact, walked merrily down the road with it trailing behind me as it bounced along the grassy verge, carefree, cups to the wind; a mini loch Ness Monster on a days outing, flapping up in the air as cars containing my friends and neighbours passed.  They might have tooted and pointed to alert me, and I'd have been giving them the thumbs-up back, thinking: dang, my new boots are popular.  The maiden-aunt-esk phrase: "well, it's clean and paid for" would have been absolutely no flaming comfort whatsoever.

Luckily, my youngest son is off sick (Caring Parent of the Year Award is in the bag, oh yeah!), so he was available to drag himself downstairs from his Bed of Pestilence (or it could have been away from his PS) to come and see the outrage, which could easily have forced his dear Mama into self-imposed exile, probably disguised as a man called something like... Hugh Dalrymple; or even required me to fake a heart attack (again) to deflect everyones' attention away from me being the knob with the bra-tail.  He laughed it up good style!

Anyway, it all gets me thinking - maybe naturists have it right, because such a situation would never have arisen, had I been heading out the door starkers......seems the obvious solution really. Okay, good, so that's decided - KIT OFF EVERYONE - FIRST ONE WITH HYPOTHERMIA'S THE LOSER!!

TUNE: Biffy Clyro "Mountains" (he he!!)

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

I Miss Winter......

I like winter. You know where you are with winter: it'll be cold, wet, dreech and windy.  If it does anything other these four - it's a bonus (apart from snow, which sucks for most people over the age of ten - unless you have someone willing to pull you on a sledge).  As it happened, we had a great winter.  I walked to work everyday and not once did I have to put on my hideous waterproof trousers or even wellies.  Then spring came and what d'you know - it's cold, wet, dreech and windy. I even had to take the bus to work yesterday - the condensationy, school childreny bus - for the first time in months.

 I expect more from spring, I really do, it should be ashamed of itself.  But then maybe I should just lower my expectations, except that's very difficult.  Years of conditioning mean I expect to see lambs frolicking in meadows not wallowing in mud and daffodils are always, ALWAYS pictured vertical. 

Oh, well, roll on summer - because then it'll be autumn and winter again!! HURRAH!

Tune: Panic! At the Disco - "The Calendar"

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Listening to the Experts

I've been given a great new opt out so I can procrastinate further re publishing my book.  Author Terry Tyler has adviced me, via Twitter, to put my manuscript away now, for a month and then review it again.  So I am. Yep, won't touch it, won't even go near it *whimper*. I just know I'll come back to it in a month and start changing everything again.  But that's okay because it's gort to be right.  "Gort" is a new word I invented - it has the exact same meaning as "got" but with a slight air of desperation so is therefore perfect for the above sentance.

I've got my cover, by the way, well almost.  I chose it yesterday, which was exciting.

TUNE: "Make Damn Sure" - Taking Back Sunday

Friday, 19 April 2013

Jack Kirby - nice cat.
Sydney (Barrett) Biscuits - idiot and parasite convention venue.

Reading, Death, Parasites and flipping Cats

  • Started reading Chris Ward's Tube Riders last night - on a KINDLE - ooooooooooo!! Yep, I know I am planning to publishing on Kindle (very, very soon), but ...I don't actually have one.  My husband does: he has a Kindle and a Kindle Fire. I know  because I bought them for his birthday before last, and this year's Xmas (as in the one just past). So I've commandeered the wee one. 
  •  So, there I am enjoying Tube Riders, and my shoulder starts itching like a fiend - AND swelling up.  Of course, I realised I was about to die - obviously - of....something. The poison would, inevidently, go from the bite into my blood stream and that would be that. My book - "Two All -All for One" - would never be published....... (oh, yeah and I'd never again see family/friends etc blah blah... remorse, regret, so sad)  but TWO All.... FLIP SAKES.
  • As it turned out, it wasn't fatal - this is not a blog from beyond the grave.  In fact, after scratch;ng a lot; bitching, trying to interest Big C (the husband) re my immanent demise; spraying stinky stuff - most likely out-of-date - on it and then falling asleep.  I awoke to find myself alive (thought about playing dead to save face) but with a tiny set of bites on my otherwise normal shoulder.
  • I blame FLAMING SYDNEY BISCUITS (our cat) and his "wee friends".  We have two cats. The other one - Jack Kirby - is a  sweet wee thing who has never had to be taken to the vets because she's been beaten up by every other cat in the village a hundred times over(probably because of  being incredibly annoying); never thinks it's okay to bite my face when I'm sleeping; nor has she ever stuck her claws in your back because I am doing the ironing and not dishing up food and, more importantly, she has never, NEVER thought collecting parasites was the hobby of kings. Sydney isn't so much a host as a venue.
  • Tune: Biffy Clyro: "There's No Such Thing as a Jaggy Snake" - just because.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Funeral Arrangements

Given all the hoopla and media masturbation over the death and burial (always the best order, eh, Mr Poe) of Thatcher Thatcher Milk Snatcher or the Grocer's Daughter, beloved of all...right wing nutters, we were discussing how we'd like to be "sent off", around the dinner table this evening.  At least, I think it was because of the Funereal Event of the Decade (so far) and not because of what I had dished up.  In retrospect, it could have been a combination.

I said I wanted to be left in the middle of a busy road so I can be annoying even in death, but my husband has class: he said he wants to rot on a plinth - nice.

The boys don't seem too traumatised by the discussion, but I know they're both really disappointed neither of us opted for turning into a Zombie.

My funeral tune of choice has to be "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" - My Chemical Romance.

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Battling Bureaucratic Behemoths.

Yep, that was this week.

Started with HM Revenue and Customs.  I love them.  No - I do. Any time I have had to deal with them they have been perfectly lovely (I'm self-employed so have to self-assess and I am allergic to small print and reading instructions - also mushrooms and prawns - so I phone them instead and get them to tell me what to tick).  Well, the wee souls sent me a letter this week to tell me they are investigating me because, apparently, I have earned a very large amount of interest on a Cooperative bank bond or similar and didn't declare it. OOPSY, I'm sooo naughty - Hey! wait though - I don't have a Cooperative bank bond or similar,

HM Customs: You sure Dorothy, me ol' mucker.

Dorothy (aka "me"): Fairly - let me just phone my Mum and my husband......oh and my secret admirers.........nope, Mum says no, Big Cal says no and the secret admirers told me to stop stalking them.

HM Customs: Oh........this is embarrassing because, well, Coop bank says you do.

Me: Really? Hey Coop Bank.

Coop Bank: Yes D, how the hell are you?

Me: Fine, but that's none of your business since I don't deal with you at all - do I?

Coop Bank: ........neither you do.....

Me: SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU GRASS ME OFF TO HM CUSTOMS FOR INTEREST ON A BOND OR SIMILAR THAT I DON'T HAVE?

Coop bank: ?

(PS - the Coop Bank were very nice and helpful too)

Two behemoths down - one to go - only the last one is a possible employer and last night I told them where to shove their stupid application form because it so royally annoyed me......

Hmm - me thinks the score is possibly Dorothy 2 Behemoths 1

TUNE!!! Rise Against "Disparity By Design" from End Game


Thursday, 11 April 2013

Apologies and Drop kicking Pigeons

Sorry, I know I've gone quiet but the thing is I'm busy and not doing what I want to either! I am filling out ridiculous forms that make me want to scream and then trying to email them and - what a surprise - it doesn't bloody work so it's back to the freaking drawing board!!! How I long for a pigeon - I would write all the information that is required on a small scrap of paper; roll it into a neat little tube, tie it to the bird's tiny, quivering leg; hold it a loft and  then drop kick it into space. Having vented - I could  then return to my laptop and start over.

GRRRRRRR - stupid waste of time stupid things that are supposed to make life easier and quicker but don't because stupid smart alecs got carried away and made the whole thing far to complicated for everyone else - or maybe just me - to figure out - AND I REALLY DON'T NEED DROP DOWN MENUS TO DO THE DATE - I CAN TYPE IT QUICKER! Or worse - to answer YES or NO to something. Of course I amn't taking into account our incredibly slow broadband service which probably isn't helping.

TUNE: Green Day - Minority

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Distractions

Here's a picture of me being distratced from writing by my husband (his blog is KVLT KVLTVRE - movie and book reviews - disclaimer: his taste not mine). One minute you are "in the zone" - next a big bugger is tickling you  -WHAT THE HELL! No wonder my book had taken years, never mind the poor blinking sequel ever getting started properly or even finished. FFS!!!  :)

Tune: Peter Nardini -"Glasgow Catherdral" because it's playing just now on my ipod.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

How I Fell Out with Nature

Well, I did the stupid windows - badly, as predicted - and discovered, while out, it was nowhere near as nice as it was pretending to be: it was cold, breezy and fairly unpleasant. The wind kept impishly getting the water I was lobbing at the windows and chucking it back at me - I was soaked!!! So I have fallen out with nature and am never NEVER going out there again.  I will use a vehicle like everyone else, should leaving the house be required, regardless of the laws of the land which suggest a person should have a so-called "driving license". I think, were I to encounter an officer of the law in Tolsta, he would perfectly understand my outrage.

Yours, being perfectly reasonable, as usual,

Dorothy. xx

PS: It was great - no guilt - 1 hour and 45 mins of writing! Storms and gales - bring 'em on!!!

The Horns of a Dilemma for which I Blame Global Warming

I can't write or do anything book related until everything else is done - it's a thing, just like I am physically incapable of being anything other than early for everything (it's the same uncool gene that has me carrying sick bags in my handbag just in case - see earlier blog re trip to cinema "Les Miserable etc one - I try to compensate by wearing black, but it's a battle so lost even Custer would be calling for a timeout).  So I spent this morning doing stuff that needed to be done, rounding off with the lunchtime dishes.  Sat down with a cup of tea (green, of course), opened my laptop, looked up - the bloody windows are filthy - they look like someone has stuck a desert to the other side of the glass (that is desert the sandy kind - not like dessert "pavlova" - did I get that the right way around? -*clap clap* bring in my proof reader . - To clarify, no one has thrown pudding at our windows - yet). I'm going to have to do them.  I won't do them well either: never mastered it. I soap the buggers up then throw hot water at them and run off before the "back-splash" gets me. It's probably quite entertaining to watch.

    But the thing is, and here's the dilemma: I raise my weary butt back up off this chair, drag myself sulkily outside, play dodge-the-deluge - then what - I'll be able to see what an over-grown tragedy Shakespeare could have based at least two plays on (okay, one and a half), my once well tended garden is.

I WANT SOME PROPER WEST COAST WEATHER!!  This dry, calm stuff is seriously messing with my writing time - or midgies - even if there were clouds of midgies out there I'd have an excuse to stay in and pretend I was peed off not to be eyebrows deep in a flower bed.

I give in - windows it is. I'll work on a good reason to ignore the garden till next weekend while I'm out.

PS. I have no idea why that section in the middle is indented that way and can't figure out how to sort it.....................

Tune is: Fall Out Boy - "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" - because it's stuck in my head today.

Friday, 5 April 2013

On the Telly and my Ally, The Minister

It's true, I was on the STV news - I didn't watch it though - I was scared a wizened crone would wonder on screen, mumbling and drooling and it would be me! Ah - so vain. Was supposed to be being "Furious from Tolsta" that our newspapers weren't going to be coming until the ferry in the afternoon............WERE THEY BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE ON THAT ONE!??!?! I was, however, polite - for the sake of the dear Buth, and did not say exactly what I thought the publishers should do with their papers; of which I saw and excellent example in Bulgaria where they were cut up and hung on a nail beside the loo, for ones convenience and cleanliness...............the newspapers, not the publishers, can't really imagine wiping my.......no I'll stop there.

Interestingly, as a result, I have found common ground with our local Free Presbyterian Minister - a very nice man who expends a lot of energy on trying to save my soul, which is very nice of him because, if I believed in the scary god he believes in I'd be hiding under a rock. I don't though, so I've told him not to worry, but like I said, he's a nice man and conscientious (although I think he may have cheesed off a lot of people recently by telling them how he sees where their going wrong). BUT GUESS WHAT!  HE HATES TABLOIDS TOO! - ( he also dislikes rather a lot of things I adore but let us not go there - don't think I'll be talking him into coming to Warp Tour anytime soon - even if Rise Against and Billy Talent are playing).

See you tomorrow -

TUNE: Billy Talent "Viking Death March" - all those familiar with the lyrics will know why.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Not Funny or Absurd just FUCKING ANNOYED.

Okay, sorry, I can't even try to be funny or absurd today - I'm really peed off about this thing I read and it's gone under my skin and I'm afraid I'm back on my old hobby horse: the horrible, horrible publications people consume by the arm load. The fucking annoying thing is most of the people who buy tabloid newspapers are probably not nasty people. The ones I know are 99% nice people who, I'm sure, would care if they knew, but they don't. They are exposed to a world where bullshit things happens - not what's real. And I think if they knew about the story I read - maybe we'd get some changes happening in this stupid world.

The story I read is one an FB friend of my husband's posted him. It's about a teenage girl in the Maldives (I think it was) who is to be flogged for marriage out of wedlock. That's bad enough, obviously, but we're not talking about a forbidden tryst between Romeo and Juliet here; the circumstances are that she has been raped by her father since she was a little girl - and this poor wee soul who has been through so much already is going to be punished?

 AND WHAT WAS ON THE FRONT OF THE FUCKING UK TABLOIDS TODAY

Pippa Middleton's arse.

NO MUSIC APPLIES

Monday, 1 April 2013

Armageddon or April Fools ???

Today the unspeakable was uttered - (please cover your eyes if you are easily disturbed) - the newspapers aren't going to be getting flown to the island first thing (at huge cost - enviromentally and otherwise) but will instead not come until
                                                THE AFTERNOON FERRY!!!

The world is clearly on its last legs. Personally, I'm keeping a wee eye out for horsemen, numbering four, galloping in a downwards direction - and if the poster I used to have as a teenager is right, all looking like a good feed wouldn't do them any harm. There will be anarchy and rioting on the street - (note singular). In fact, most people have  seemed quite resigned, only had to get the smelling salts out for a couple of people.

As anyone who read my earlier post on the tabloid press knows - I HATE THE BLOODY THINGS!!!! Trivia mongering heaps of horse manure. In my book "Two All -All for One" - (in case anyone had forgotten) I refer to them as the beautiful assistants in the authorities magic act - guaranteed to keep everyone looking in the other direction while real issues are secreted away on pages 4 plus and before the sports section. Huh, that is all supposing mention is made at all and then whatever the problem may be will more than likely be blamed on "immigrants", gay people, young hoodlums or health and safetly/enviromental health gone mad. GRRRR - blood...reaching...boiling point!

However, no sooner had I warned all our regulars about this change in schedule as of next Monday and told our suppliers of everything else that we wouldn't be picking up until early pm, than someone suggested it may all be an April Fools joke.

Well, if it is, I can guarantee the joker will be breathing their last from places in their body they had no idea air could escape from.

Tune: Aidan - "Die Romantic"