After listening to an item on the radio this morning about whether or not lap-dancing clubs should be licensed, I decided I would start my own lap-dancing club... but one with a difference.
First I thought, how about a women only lap-dancing club, where the ladies get to do the sitting down and the gents do all the hard work, but the obvious flaw in that one was a lot of squished customers. Then it struck me and after it struck me, I had this great idea: a lap dancing club for broody women! Genius! All I need is a ton of babies for them to dawdle or dangle or dribble or whatever the word is, on their knees, and we're good to go.
I've given this idea a lot of thought, it's been nearly fifteen minutes now, and I've been considering the rules - you've got to have rules. For starters, unlike the regular lap-dancing clubs where I believe it is allegedly prohibited, holding would be compulsory at mine, otherwise there's going to be babies tumbling from maternal knees all over the place; and playing "Down at the Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea" will most certainly be banned - the "dead or alive" section - that bit could get nasty if the customer, sorry, client's spatial awareness is to pot or if the baby has just had his or her feed - I take Health and Safety matters very seriously at my club. However, much like a regular establishment of this ilk, I expect, if the baby starts crying we'll swap it for a cheerier one (I'm going to need a lot of back up babies). Plus, the babies could come in a range of outfits, from frilly and fabulous to my personal favourite, the plain, white all-in-one babygrow. Oh, and I could do my bit for society by getting teenage girls on work placement from the school to look after the grumpy, teething, gripey ones.
Okay, off to begin drawing up blue-prints. I'm going to finance it by starting a normal lap-dancing club in the garden with a hand painted sign at the gate, a selection of chairs from the barn and an honesty box.