Tuesday, 25 June 2013

My Lap-Dancing Club (it's not what you think)

After listening to an item on the radio this morning about whether or not lap-dancing clubs should be licensed, I decided I would start my own lap-dancing club... but one with a difference.

First I thought, how about a women only lap-dancing club, where the ladies get to do the sitting down and the gents do all the hard work, but the obvious flaw in that one was a lot of squished customers.  Then it struck me and after it struck me, I had this great idea: a lap dancing club for broody women! Genius! All I  need is a ton of babies for them to dawdle or dangle or dribble or whatever the word is, on their knees, and we're good to go.  

I've given this idea a lot of thought, it's been nearly fifteen minutes now, and I've been considering the rules - you've got to have rules.  For starters, unlike the regular lap-dancing clubs where I believe it is allegedly prohibited, holding would be compulsory at mine, otherwise there's going to be babies tumbling from maternal knees all over the place; and playing "Down at the Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea" will most certainly be banned - the "dead or alive" section - that bit could get nasty if the customer, sorry, client's spatial awareness is to pot or if the baby has just had his or her feed - I take Health and Safety matters very seriously at my club. However, much like a regular establishment of this ilk, I expect, if the baby starts crying we'll swap it for a cheerier one (I'm going to need a lot of back up babies).  Plus, the babies could come in a range of outfits, from frilly and fabulous to my personal favourite, the plain, white all-in-one babygrow.  Oh, and I could do my bit for society by getting teenage girls on work placement from the school to look after the grumpy, teething, gripey ones. 

Okay, off to begin drawing up blue-prints.  I'm going to finance it by starting a normal lap-dancing club in the garden with a hand painted sign at the gate, a selection of chairs from the barn and an honesty box.


  1. Maybe a kickstarter project in the making :-)

  2. I'm not entirely sure about your plan, I have to say.

    However, to soften this (obviously crushing) blow, I thought you'd like to know that I've just finished your book, and I really enjoyed it :)

  3. SAM!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! You are the FIRST person I don't actually know, personally (although as I know you are that select band who are my blog followers you probably know more about me than is good for anyone) who has read my book, and that is my first comment since it's been epublished. Me, Dasc and the gang are so MENTALLY MADE UP you wouldn't know.xx

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  5. You are very welcome. I will try to get my arse in gear and write an Amazon review too. Will it have an alternative existence as one of those weird flappy things with all the paper?

    Of course, now you have that difficult second novel to write.

    *drums fingers*

    *looks at imaginary watch*

    *gets tired of making up things that he's doing*

    No pressure...

  6. Sam - your enthusiasm is galvanising. I was trying to churn out a couple of short stories to put on kindle to hopefully raise Two All's profile, but I just don't like any of my characters as much as I like D the C and her humans, but then I suppose they have been with me for a long time where as anyone new I make up is a stranger I need to get to know. So, with your comments in mind, I am going to get the proverbial finger out and get on the provisionally titled "Rise of the Dark Heart".
    Re one of those papery things you mentioned, if what your meaning is one of those kindles you can drop in the bath and dry out on the heater then I can't see it, not unless some lovely publisher happens upon it.
    By the way, if you could see your way to giving it a review on Amazon - that would be brilliant. THANKS