Friday, 19 July 2013

Two Announcements re Height and Wankers.

Hello people of the world.  I, Dorothy Ross MacIver, author of such renowned novels as Two All - All For One, have an announcement to make.....no, wait.....I have TWO announcements to make.

1: People have become too tall for their own good, and

2: There's a lot of wankers about.        

(wonder if that's just a coincidence..........?)

Okay, on point one, to lay out the ground work here, see below a picture that my family thought was very funny:
  This is me (about seven years ago, when I still thought it was okay to go around in public wearing jewellery I'd made, and being over-exposed in photographs).  What, apart from the obvious, was so funny, oh, just this: me and Neanderthal man are the same height!  That 4' 10" people - FOUR FOOT AND TEN INCHES.

Okay, well........now the last laughs are rolling in because dear husband (Mr Unbound), 6'2", is completely incapacitated with his back this week - COMPLETELY - it's "mental" it's so sore  - that's an official diagnosis from a health professional.......... well, I did used to work at a vets.  The doctor was a tad more erudite - granted - and she isn't banned from prescribing drugs.

MY CONCLUSION: people have gotten too tall; they have out-grown their spines' capacities to hold them up.  Maybe, tall and gangly would be okay, just, but tall and a comic book collector - hmmm  - definitely pushing your luck.  And what do I have!? A bunion.  Why do I have a bunion? (a bunion is where the joint at the base of your big toe starts skooshing out to the side) because in a world of malformed people over 5 foot I have to stand on my tip toes all the time to see what the hell is going on. Take, for a mundane example, my own kitchen cupboards:

Me (to work men): Lads, not up there - I won't even be able to see what's on the top shelf.
Lads: Har de har har!! Ah, Mrs M - you're a card.
Me:  No lads, really.
Lads: Ah go on now, ya wee glove puppet person, and make us a cup of tea.
Me: I can't reach the fecking teabags!

Shelves are at a standard fucking too high for the perfectly formed human being to see on. On the plus side: I can't see what unholy crud is up there.

So, that's announcement number one - people are too tall for their spines and God/ or the Mother of Wisdom (or god/ or the goddess or the gods/goddesses or chubby blokes in loin clothes) need to go back to the drawing board.

Announcement No. 2:  There's a lot of wankers about.  Well there is, that's not even just rude, it's true.. I have seen at least 3 convertibles going through Tolsta this week - that's three car loads of wankers and up town (aka Stornoway) is full of strangers because it's the Heb Celtic Music Festival (not going myself - not my musical bag).  Mind you, as it was REALLY hot in Stornoway today and someone I know was going around in a full length fish-tail, pin-striped skirt, complete with lace-up, knee length boots, black shirt and waistcoat and that someone was me - then - let he who is without the first wanker stone cast it..... ah, hell - at least I didn't have a "muffin top" hanging out, swinging in the summer breeze!!!

 To anyone who might by some chance read this and who's at the Heb Celt festival this weekend - have a great time!!

TUNE: "Are You Sleepin' Maggie" - by The Tannahill Weavers from the LP Tannahill Weavers from the days when Dougie MacLean (now best known as a singer/song writer and headlining at the Heb Celt) was that most noble of creatures - the fiddle player! ( eh, Susie from Ullapool!)  Sorry, no

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