Thursday, 12 September 2013

Pride, Falls and Beasties

Last week I got a big bunch of flowers and tokens from my Post Office bosses for the way I had dealt with our recent connectivity issues, which was very nice of them - considering how many poor sods I was having drowned in emails for the sake of our few customers.  On the same day I was told I would be getting this from the PO, a wee man in the village rushed into our shop/Post Office and wrote his nomination for the  Tolsta Citizen (or should that be villager) of the Year on a piece of paper and proudly showed me that he had nominated me.  I was well chuffed as you can imagine but, as we all know, fate has a way of fucking with us that only fate can - fate hates a happy smile - fate's a sanctimonious, hard-faced bitch: the very next evening I discovered I had head lice. 

Now you can tell me till you are blue in the face that they prefer clean hair, but I had beasties, bugs, nits, I had f'ing LICE - and I was not a happy camper and so, with a vengeance only comparable to that of a loving god, I nuked the nasty wee life forms with stuff from the chemist, following it up with a good solid skull-scraping with an actual fine-toothed comb. Vengeance was mine - aha ha ha!

Two days later, on the Sunday a lovely sunny day - I decided to take a chair outside and do some writing  (yep, still at the endless-scribbling-in-many-notebooks stage - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr -  or rather, back to that stage, as I thought I had got started then changed my mind). 

I had not sat for more than a few minutes when my head started itching.
                                            WHAT THE HELL!!!
Jumping from my chair, I looked around -  they were all over the back of it and I ran for the house (would have been yelling but it was Sunday so I internalised), and Calum (Mr Unbound) says they're all over the back of my t-shirt (my favourite Rise Against t-shirt!).  And so the expunging began - again: my hair, his hair, our bedding, the jacket I'd had on (as they were all over the collar of it), favourite RG t-shirt. Then other clothes were getting checked and that's when I made a discovery: they're were loads of them on a jacket that nobody had worn for ages in the cupboard where mine had been - THEY HADN'T COME FROM ME TO THE JACKET BUT THE OTHER WAY AROUND! HURRAH!!!!!.......... flaming now most of my house was squished into the wash machine set on a million environment melting degrees for the longest setting known to man.

I still don't know what they were; I googled them all afternoon, after fumigating the offending cupboard and throwing out some stuff - but they weren't lice.  I know this because, in the course of my googling, I discovered that lice are so picky about what they munch on that apparently a human public louse wouldn't even trade places with a human head louse - wonder who, figuratively, looks down on who?  Anyway they're gone - I am no longer being poked with sticks by my nearest and dearest and I have removed the hazard tape from around the coat cupboard.  Sydney Biscuits (the cat) is still being kind of smug though every time I pull him up for having a tick on him.

Tune: Billy Talent - Hanging by a Thread :)

PS:By the way, I got the Citizen of the Year thing - the cup stands pride of place on the shelf in the kitchen - alone in it's glory.......... since I swept the kids crappy trophies into the bin. Parent of the Year is next I expect:)))


  1. What a week of trauma and triumph! Hang in there Mrs U_Y xx

  2. My dear Evelyn - what can one say, what could properly encapsulate one's feelings about the "week that was", but: too right mofo, too right::))