Friday, 18 October 2013

My Big Fat Chubs and Their Effects on the World

Picture the scene - if you will - and only as long as your tea has passed beyond the point of no return - your personal event horizon, as it were: I've just bought a new outfit - skirt and top. The skirt is everything I've ever wanted in a lower-body, non-trouser garment, as in - it's  size 10, black, long, top half down to the hips is black suedey stuff and the rest is a sort of pleated tulle-y sort of thing with a lining (okay, that sounds terrible - it's not - at least - if you're me, it's not) and the top I got is...too hard to describe but it's nice - it's black with wee black beads around a pretend V-neck with a straight inset so you don't flash your boobs at the world.  So, I'm standing looking in the mirror (it is a crappy cheap mirror I bought years ago when we were broke and has a warp in the middle but still an' all):

Me: Looking good there, Big D.
Body: Thanks Me - I think so too - we're pulling this off nicely.  Think we may even showchase this bad boy off at work on Monday.
Me: With the pink fleece socks we have on right now, or should we go with a laced-up boot?
Body: Me thinks a laced-up boot or even...boots.
Me: Nice one - good choice.
Inner Thinking Me  - in a nasal, snivelling/stab-you-in-the-back voice: (Yes, but you're standing up)
Me and Body: Your point being? (dickhead)
Inner Thinking Me: (Well, I'm just wondering...)
Me and Body: Yeeessssss (ah, get on with it)
Inner Thinking Me: (Well, what does it look like when you're sitting down.)
Me and Body: I'm sure it looks just...............OH DEAR GOD NO!!! - OHHHH FOR FLIP SAKES!!!!!!!!!WHERE DID THAT LOT COME FROM!!!!  HOLY MOTHER OF MACKEREL!!!
Inner Thinking Me: (Maybe not then.)
Me and Body: ??????????????????????????

Yes, as we know (cause I'm always banging on about it) I like to run, I'm fit as a flea - so where the hell do all those chubby bits come from?  They weren't there when I was standing!!!  I sit down and - WHAM - tyres that could keep even the Faroees off slaughtering whales for years. - god, I feel practically endangered - but stand up again and...wee wifey....sit down....whale wifey....fuck sakes!

Luckily, as per, I purchased my new outfit in a charity shop. Charity shops are my purchasing outlet of choice (for non-food items).  To get this straight - I'm not broke - I don't shop there because I have to, I shop in charity shops because (in no particular order) : a) it's recycling b) it's cheap and I can make mistakes c) there's a chance I might find something I like (see earlier description of skirt) and d) somewhere along the line someone might be better off for me having done so.

The garments I purchased might have cost ten times what was originally paid for them but the skilled person who actually made them (either here or abroad) probably got paid a fraction of  that original price. However, maybe, just maybe, me and other charity shop buyers can make even the tiniest bit of amends for our horrible Western consumerist ways by buying them back again from charities who want to help........
............there is something so wrong in all that, isn't there. It's the fact that hard working people with families to feed, like us, have to get help from charities whose money comes from the very people who have caused those people to require help in the first place -  flip sakes........

......................................... OH LORDY! THIS IS HARD!!.......................................................
 
AND maybe by supporting these charities, I am, inadvertently, relieving governments(including ours) of  some of the responsibility of looking after their own people, and as such, am perpetuating the corruption in the countries within which these products are made.........

OH FLIPPING HECK! AND I THOUGHT MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS MY BACK CHUBS, WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT I'M RELIEVING THE ECONOMIC PRESSURE ON DICTATORSHIPS IN THE THIRD WORLD and HELPING TO WIDDEN THE ECONOMIC GAP BETWEEN THE HAVES AND HAVE-NOTS IN THE FIRST WORLD!!!..............

.................................................................. I'm such a dick!!!!..............................................................

(deep breath) As my Dad would have said - Ocht to hell!  And as I can't see the world's governing bodies clubbing together to wipe the economic slates clean and start again - all democrat and free-speachy, no cheating by selling addictive drugs that grow really well in one climate but not another etc; all big old pals together, I suppose me and my lardy, over-privileged, Western spare tyres will just have to carry on as we are.  -
Bastards - see - it's the world's fault my new skirt makes me look fat!

Tune: Ballad of Hollis Brown a Bob Dylan song done by Rise Against (my darling boys).

No comments:

Post a Comment